


Self Image

by insecureAuthor



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Body Dysphoria, transgender character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-01
Updated: 2012-04-01
Packaged: 2017-11-02 20:38:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/373095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insecureAuthor/pseuds/insecureAuthor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John feels self conscious about his body, but Rose helps out with that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Self Image

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I'm pretty nervous about writing this, because I don't have any first hand experience with this, but I really wanted to write one of the kids as not cisgender. Please, /please/ tell me if I did anything offensive in this fic! It is NOT my intent to post offensive or inaccurate information on this subject, so be sure to correct me if I did anything horrendously wrong!  
> I apologize in advance if I did something wrong in my portrayal of John.  
> Trigger warning for dysphoria.

John looked at himself in the mirror, and what he saw made him want to cry. He was wearing his binder, but he still could pick out all the things that made him look like less of a man. His hips curved subtly outwards, and his face had soft, feminine edges. He was even shorter than most _girls_ his age, let alone boys. His eyelashes were long and dark, and framed his eyes in a way that made them look bigger. His lips were a tiny bit fuller than most guys’. He hated it. He wanted to curl up on his bed and cry, because he looked _wrong_. Boys weren't supposed to look the way he did. They were supposed to be tall and muscular and handsome and a bunch of other adjectives that would never describe him. And he hated that. He walked back into his room, and decided to stay home sick. School was full of people that he felt uncomfortable around anyways, the people that made fun of him for his dorky grin, his teeth, his glasses, how short he was… John did NOT want to go to school today. He crawled under the covers of his bed and sniffled, wondering why he was so weak.

Why he couldn’t just be a normal kid, and go to school, and ignore people who said hurtful things?

Why he couldn’t just be a girl, or have been born with the right parts?

He hated the people at his school for making him feel this way, but he hated hims body most of all.

Days like this, he almost wanted to put on a skirt, take of his binder, and pretend he was a girl. It would save him the trouble of being hassled at school for looking “girly”. But he knew he couldn’t, that would be living a lie. As much as it may look otherwise, he _was_ a boy. So John cried, and waited for his dad to come to check on why he wasn’t getting ready for school. It was hard. Being a kid and growing up. It was hard, and no one understood.

 

Later, once he had told his dad that he was sick, John calmed himself down enough to get on Pesterchum. He saw that Rose was online, and he breathed a sigh of relief.

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  
EB: hey, rose.  
EB: can i talk to you about something?  
EB: i sorta have something i want to tell something to, and you seem like the best choice.  
TT: Certainly, John.  
TT: What’s wrong? You don’t seem you usual cheerful self.  
EB: i guess I’m not feeling very cheerful today.  
EB: okay, i’m going to tell you something, but i don’t want you to, like, psychoanalyze me about it, okay?  
TT: …  
TT: Alright. What is it, John?  
EB: well, you know i’m a guy…  
EB: but…  
EB: i wasn’t actually born one.  
EB: what i mean is, i have the wrong… equipment.  
TT: Oh.  
EB: please don’t hate me, rose!  
EB: i shouldn’t have told anyone this was a stupid idea.  
EB: i’m sorry, I should just leave now.  
TT: John, wait.  
TT: Thank you for being brave enough to tell me this.  
TT: I assure you that the state of your reproductive organs in no way determines how I feel about you.  
TT: I was simply startled, and was momentarily unsure of how to reply.  
TT: John, are you there?  
EB: …yeah.  
EB: thanks for being so cool, rose.  
EB: the only other person i told was an irl friend, and they started calling me by my birth name, and using the wrong pronouns, and were just generally really terrible.  
TT: I’m sorry that you had to suffer through such an ordeal, John. However, I assure you that I shall do no such things.  
TT: Was that all that was distressing you, or was there another issue that you wanted to discuss with me?  
EB: i’m just feeling kinda… girly, and i wanted someone to reassure me that i’m not one.  
EB: can you please help me with that?  
TT: John, I’m always happy to help, whether you’re feeling dysphoric, or you have some other problem you need help with.  
TT: You are a boy, and you are masculine. Your body has absolutely nothing to do with that.  
TT: John, you are male. No matter what anyone says, you are a guy because you identify as one.  
TT: Nothing can change that.  
TT: You’re my “bro” regardless of anatomy.  
EB: thanks, rose.  
EB: that really means a lot to me.  
EB: bluuuuh, i’ve just been having some shitty school issues lately.  
EB: i’m really self conscious around all my classmates!  
EB: i don’t know why, but i just feel like they can tell somehow.  
TT: John, I highly doubt you have anything to worry about on that front.  
TT: I have seen pictures of you, and if it is not out of line to say so, I think you are passing marvelously.  
TT: An overwhelming majority of our peers simply are not observant enough to notice something like that, even if they were looking to identify someone’s sex for some unfathomable reason.  
EB: rose, you’re pretty awesome. thanks for all your help, but i’ve gotta go now!  
EB: bye!  
TT: Farewell, John.  
ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  
  
That went far better than John had dared to hope. John smiled, then got dressed to go to the park. He changed out of his pajamas, pulled on his binder, and put on his cargo shorts and blue t-shirt. He left a note for his dad on the fridge, and then left the house to go for a walk. As he felt the warm breeze on his face, everything felt okay for the first time in a while. John smiled, and walked to the park, at peace with himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment if you have any criticism.  
> I did some research for this, but not enough that I am confident that I didn't make any mistakes.  
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
